maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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