She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
