oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
