well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
50% drunk capacity currently
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
