Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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