Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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