Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
vagina is talking i cant
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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