I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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