Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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