3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
