If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is my gift to your gina
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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