Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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