Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
