she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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