Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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