Joe is yelling at the trees again.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
