nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
