My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
