I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
