So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
