Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
