i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
