I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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