I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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