Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
