So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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