so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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