My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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