we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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