she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
