You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
