somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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