I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
