you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
