forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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