Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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