Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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