I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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