I love black thongs
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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