i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
