fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
