my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
