Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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