I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
