I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
