On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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