i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
