I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
