There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am naked and annoyed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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