Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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